Monday, August 13, 2012

A Thousand Years.


In between the milestones sometimes it feels as if this is a dream. It feels like we never met her and she’ll never be ours. Then, the milestones hit and I read the words… court dossier registered… and then in a rush, the reality sweeps over me and my fingers get tingly. I catch the breath in my chest and I can’t focus. I can’t remember what I was doing 5 minutes ago. 

The next several hours pass in a blur as my imagination goes crazy. What will the date be? When will we leave? Does anything have to be rescheduled? Then more, does she miss us? Does she remember us? Does she know how her life is to change? 

Then, even more, I hope she’s home by Halloween to see her sisters in their elephant costumes. I wonder if she wants to be the ring leader or another animal. I wonder if she’ll be sad not seeing as much snow this winter. I wonder if she’ll like my cooking. I wonder how she’ll be as a teenager, as a young woman. I imagine her as a mama.

No matter how far my brain takes those thoughts, I am always brought back to the first minute we saw her. So many people have asked what it was like to see her for the first time. Her groupa leader led this scared little girl into the room, dropped her hand and left. She stood standing there for a minute with big tears just waiting to fall as she looked around at us. I instantly had tears in my eyes for her and rather than rush to her and attempt to comfort her, I let a more familiar person go to her.

A sweet fellow adoptive mama, posted a song online today. As I read the lyrics, my breath caught again and there I was. Watching her watch me. Willing her to know.

"Heartbeats fast 
Colors and promises 
How to be brave 
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall 
But watching you stand alone 
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow 
One step closer 

I have died everyday waiting for you 
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you 
For a thousand years 
I love you for a thousand more 

Time stands still 
Beauty in all she is 
I will be brave 
I will not let anything take away 
What's standing in front of me 
Every breath 
Every hour has come to this 
One step closer 
 
I have died everyday waiting for you 
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you 
For a thousand years 
I love you for a thousand more 

And all along I believed I would find you 

Time has brought your heart to me 
I have loved you for a thousand years 
I love you for a thousand more 

One step closer 
One step closer 

I have died everyday waiting for you 
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you 
For a thousand years 
I love you for a thousand more 

And all along I believed I would find you 
Time has brought your heart to me 
I have loved you for a thousand years 
I love you for a thousand more
-Christina Perry “A Thousand Years”

My favorite lines: “Beauty in all she is. I will be brave. I will not let anything take away what’s standing in front of me.”

Now the judge has 10 days to issue a court date or request more documents. Even if he requests more documents, he can just request that we bring them when we come for court so we don’t have to wait for a court date.

My Sweet Girl, I have loved you for a thousand years and I love you for a thousand more.

2 comments:

  1. Was just sitting here reading mail when this came in. Of, course, another one to put a lump in my throat and tears down my face. So excited for the closeness it all is. I think you know now how I feel for you and your brothers my love, my heart. Mama

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  2. Thinking of you guys daily. Can't wait to meet your Sweet Girl!

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